Fair to Middlin'

Fighting Guilt

2010-03-28T21:23:00.000-07:00

You know... I try hard not to beat myself up over things I have no control of. Sometimes though, I can look back and wonder what would have (or wouldn't have) happened if I had done something differently. If I could take back a statement made in innocence - if I had just listened to that part of my brain that said "This is too scary to share so just shut up" and not that other part of my brain that said "What!? Are you going to give in to that fear? This is about being honest and isn't that the best way?"

Yeah, maybe that first part of my brain was the sane one; the one I should have listened too. I feel strongly (aka great hope attached to diligent prayer) that things will work out in the long run but now, in this moment, I see pain and anger and suffering and confusion. On my good days I see growth and opportunity and love and power. I never meant for any of this to happen. I know I wasn't alone in bringing us all to this particular place. If I had possessed a crystal ball, I probably would have kept my mouth shut - kept these powerful feelings to myself as I had done for most of my life. I'm saying this now, without the aid of that magical instrument, so maybe if I could see even further into the future I'd have done it all the same way.

I guess it's better not to know. We can only do the best we can, which looks different on any particular day. I am very sorry for the pain my actions have caused. It was totally unintentional.

Swine Flu

2009-11-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

The kids and I have been sick the past few days. Coughing, congestion, headaches, body aches and fever. My daughter woke up this morning with her chest hurting from so much coughing so she decided to take a shower. Her legs were shaky so she decided to take a bath instead. When she got out she got dizzy and sat down and asked me to help her to the couch. She ended up fainting briefly. That was scary. I took her to the urgent care. She's fine. The Dr said she was probably dehydrated and that the bath made her more so, (we'd all been drinking water/juice like crazy but he said you need to drink way more than you think) That and the fact that her appetite has been down and she hasn't eaten as much as usual. Anyway I thought I'd pass on the bath info.

He said he's sure it's the swine flu. We could have taken a test but he said that everyone with these symptoms are coming back positive. He said it's VERY contagious and that you get it 1-3 days after exposure so the kids may have gotten it from me. He said you are contagious until 24 hours after the last sign of fever and that the cough/congestion can linger for a couple of weeks. Signs that it's serious are more that 5 days with any fever or if you seem to recover for a while then relapse.

Anyway, since it seems like I know more people who are sick than well right now I figured I'd let you know what we found out.

Girl Power!

2009-10-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

I taught a self defense class to a group of jr. high school age Girl Scouts tonight. They started out pretty hyper but really got into it. I loved seeing them settle down, soak in the information, co-operate in doing the drills - even the difficult ones, and start to learn what it feels like to be assertive and, when needed, aggressive.

I like knowing that they are now walking in this world in a more aware, safe and empowered way.

hacker smoker guy

2009-09-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

I've lived in this apartment for over a year and a half. It's been hard getting used to the noise around here. We're right above a church parking lot and close to a busy street. The sound seems to reverberate and get funneled into our open windows. We've all gotten fairly used to it.

About six months ago we started getting awakened most mornings between 5 and 5:30 a.m. to this horrible noise. Some man who lives in the board and care home next door comes out and starts hacking and coughing so badly that it wakes us all up from a sound sleep. I usually close the window then and it's a bit muffled but still really annoying and once I go through the process of closing the window I'm awake enough that it's hard for me to get back to sleep. Don't get me wrong - I feel really sorry for the guy. He seriously sounds like his lungs are going to be ejected from his mouth!

I've called the facility and they moved the table he would sit at about 15 feet away. He still stands near the fence, right under our place. I tried calling several times but it's seems to be getting worse. I finally called the police and they said they couldn't do anything because it's not intentional such as playing music or talking loudly.

I went to the place personally today and talked to the owner who just happened to be there. She said that she wants good relations with the neighbors and they have addressed it with this man but that this is a place for mentally disabled people and they have an open door policy and that smoking is their happiness and that they don't allow them to smoke inside so they go out the first thing when they wake up and when they've mentioned it to him he'll say yes to moving farther away but then go to the same spot anyway. Even when he's at the table it still wakes us up.

I told her to try again and just ask him to move farther away (they have this huge long driveway)

I've been thinking about moving. I miss the beach community that I lived at before here. I looked at this great place less then a block from the ocean. You could see the beach from the kitchen. I had an appointment to show it to the kids last Sunday but they both said that they thought that they'd rather wait till the end of their college semester. After last night, and hearing what the police and owner had to say on the matter, they might have changed their minds. I'm hoping to take them this Sunday to look at it if it's not already been rented.

In other news, I've completed the last assignment for the sheriff's deputy job. I had medical tests yesterday. I passed all the tests that they had immediate results for- hearing, vision, EKG etc. The drug test should be a gimme since I don't go there at all. I'm waiting for the final, official results but it seems to be looking pretty good right now.

Psych Review

2009-09-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my oral pychological interview as part of the process of getting hired as a sheriff's deputy. I started this road last November and I'm down to the last hurdle which is a medical exam next week.

I was told by the psychologist that he thinks I would make a great deputy. He's been evaluating for 28 years so he says he speaks from experience. That was a pretty big shot in the arm because I've been wondering if I'm possibly too sensitive for this job. He said on the written psych score I scored highest in the "socially bold" category and that on another portion, it seems I have a strong ego that is well balanced. (He said it's not in that egotistical way but in a confidant way.)

He said that I'm really smart and suggested that I use the time that I work custody (jail) and get my masters and said he thinks I should also go for a PhD.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. (Go figure!) Maybe this is the right career track for me or at least an experience that fits my adventurous personality. I'm thinking I should give it a shot as long as I pass the medical tests. Wow, this could be MAJOR!

Pirates!

2009-09-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

Arrrr Matey's! Today be national "Talk Like A Pirate Day." Suddenly I be feelin' like some grog. Aye!

I be shoving off from this port to the mountains for four days of hikin', socializin' and general revelry!

Letting Go

2009-09-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

Hey all you people out in the blogosphere. I seem to have taken to the facebook style of communication - short and to the point. If anyone wants to join me there let me know and we can "friend" each other. My posts are most fascinating!

As for me. It seems I'm getting a new chance to practice the art of letting go. It's a place that feels very sad, frustrating and scary with the smallest bit of relief at the same time. Sometimes you can feel really successful at a relationship and then Wham! things turn on a dime and you get to come to terms with the fact that there's a time and place for everything and, given all the circumstances, now is not the time nor the place to be working on building a future with the woman I love. Maybe later, but not now.

So, when that still, small voice directs me look at this from a certain prospective, the letting go feels like a huge opportunity. A chance to save the huge amount of love there is between us and tuck it safely away until the time is right. Still hurts in the moment though - hurts bad.

Out of sorts

2009-07-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

It was good for me to read my last post this morning. I needed that reminder about my state of affairs that day. My boat's been rocked like I predicted it would. Reading that I had the certainty that this would happen and that I had faith in a complete recovery is soothing to my troubled heart.

Feelin' good

2009-06-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm still around. I haven't posted in a while but life has seemed prettty damn good lately. What's changed? I can only attribute it to my attitude. I'm doing a good job lately of letting go of things that I don't have any control over and really enjoying and feeling grateful for the cool stuff in my life.

And you know what? There are LOTS of amazing things going on. I feel really loved, I've had some fun adventures lately, my kids are expressing all these talents and we're having fun together, and my Al-anon program stuff is working very solidly in my life right now. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that this is a permanent state of affairs but I'm enjoying this serenity knowing that my boat will get rocked but I'll find my way back to this place. This is a good place!

Post funeral musings

2009-05-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

I went, yet again, to another funeral yesterday. I think this may have been my fourth in the past year. Gina was a girl I knew in high school. She was really short, pretty unusual looking, very smart and super funny. She had this gruff voice that sounded like she'd been smoking from the time she was born. We weren't really close. Even though she was a year older than me she befriended my younger sister who some may have called the wild child of the family. Gina was kinda wild too but not in that lost kind of way - at least that's how it looked to me.

The whole family liked her which was unusual for most of my sister's friends. We'd all sit around the kitchen table and talk and laugh together. Then she and Jill would go off to some party or something. Gina wrote a poem about my mom's love of books and gave it to her out of the blue. She was just cool like that. Jill was shocked and devastated when she got the news so I offered to go to the funeral with her for emotional support.

Here's the thing about going to funerals and hearing people talk about the person that has passed away. Almost always, what the speaker has the fondest memories of is not that well planned trip to the Bahamas, it's the little moments where our humanity's touch and in the small ways that we reach out for each other in comfort or humor or love.

One woman, who was Gina's AA sponsor, good friend and biking buddy, remembered an evening where they spent a couple of hours cracking each other up thinking of all the sentences they could use the word "dude!" in. She went on to say that they both decided not to tell anyone that they had done this because...well...it seemed so stupid. In reality it was totally charming and sounded like something I would have found really amusing myself! Another woman said she really enjoyed just hanging out in "G's" garage while they both polished up their Harley's or how sometimes they would be out riding along together and would look over at each other and just say "NICE!"

I guess what I get from hearing people's special memories is that LIFE happens while we plan and wait for the "big things." We can get so caught up in the past and the future that we risk missing some amazing moments along the way. There is that saying "Be here now" which I think is really important but it helps when you can look back long enough to see the patterns for those significant moments in our lives whether it is about grieving, or joy, or contentment or whatever. Then you can appreciate the present all the more. It makes me want seek out opportunities to just spend time with the people I care about and really LIVE those times of joyous laughter, or comforting in times of sorrow or that feeling of true contentment which pops up it's head from time to time.

I'm waxing all philosophical now but I guess the important thing is what these moments of clarity do for me. Can I hang on to the feeling that I'm starting to "get it" and do I put into practice the lessons I seem to glean from looking back over a special person's lifetime and seeing what's really important?

Great Weekend

2009-05-25T23:21:00.000-07:00

I had a great weekend. My birthday was Friday and I had one of those make-it-up-as-you-go along days. What I made up (with some assistance) was fabulous! Saturday I hit the beach with my friend Melora for a few hours. The weather was really nice. Sunday started wonky but I hit an Alanon meeting which helped straighten out my attitude and later I went dancing with em. I spent today in the mountains hiking with my kids, getting my hair cut and colored and going out for a birthday dinner with some friends. Now I'm back to my cozy apartment. I'm about ready to crash for the night. Sigh...life is really good sometimes!

Breaking Sports News

2009-05-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

Hey sports fans. Let's here it for the very popular event known as "suddenly-finding-something-that-triggers-you-emotionally." The experts are great at realizing that something is up, calmly checking the facts, considering how much hormones or some core unresolved shit is fucking with their view of reality, not reacting immediately and responding in really emotionally healthy ways.

Yes, I know this sport well and guess what? There are times when I completely FAIL at this event. And the best part of this failure? Sometimes you get to take a few people out with you. You get to drag them through the quagmire where it's all messy and exhausting. Sure they can jump ship and refuse to participate but that takes a level of skill that most people don't completely possess at every waking moment. You sometimes snag them when they're vulnerable. Then there's the ever popular follow up event known as "having-to admit-that-you-kinda-blew-it." It may not come immediately but, for the most part, I'm getting much better at this one.

And... I had a great time at the Pride Parade and Festival and hanging out with some friends at a dock party nearby. Life can be sweet sometimes!

Twists and Turns

2009-05-18T23:32:00.000-07:00

I used to see life with one purpose - to find the straight-away. I've thought that I'm young and still learning and growing and often veering off the road but once I get my shit together it will be smooth sailing down the super highway of life. Well that my friends, is faulty thinking.

I'm guessing life is all twists and turns and sometimes hanging on for dear life and having some fun along the way. I also think that I had it so easy growing up and during my young adulthood that now, when things are difficult, my mind tells me it's just too hard! It seems unfair and I just get paralyzed with the thought of having to struggle. I don't want it to be hard! In reality I have it pretty damn good compared to the vast majority of people in this world. Struggle is probably the key to growth especially losing the resistance to struggle. You can't get stronger if you're not willing to lift some weights! Or, to steal one of em's lines she uses on herself - maybe I'm full of shit.

In other news, I'm re-reading Jack Kerouac's "The Dharma Bums" which I read in my early 20's. I'm really enjoying it. There are these couple of lines that I keep pondering:

...I just skipped and jumped and danced around and I really learned that you can't fall off a mountain. Whether you can fall of a mountain or not I don't know, but I had learned you can't. That was the way it struck me."

Here's to not falling off the mountain!

What's up

2009-05-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

Just a quick check in. I was totally in charge of the latest Black Belt test. The man who founded my school decided I was ready to take this task over. It felt good. The test went really well and I have three new Black Belts at the studio. One of them is my daughter. She did a great job and pretty much exceeded my expectations. I'm very proud of her.

Still haven't ditched out on the sheriff's deputy hiring process but I'm still thinking that this may not be the move I want to make so I guess I'm waiting for some clarity. One the bright side, I signed up two new students this week so far with a good possibility of one more tomorrow. That's moving in the right direction.

In Jail

2009-04-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

I took a tour or the L.A. Men's Central Jail today. What a depressing, soul-sucking place! I think I could do most of the cop jobs but not this one. But the thing is, this is the first place you are required to work after graduation from the academy. They tell you that you have to work a least one year in custody (jail) and one year of patrol before you are able to move to any of the other specialty jobs. Sometimes, however, you get stuck working in custody well past one year. With the slow down of hiring, due to the recession, word on the street is that most new deputies will be working custody for 3-4 years!

I think working in this environment would change me in ways that I would not be happy with - at really deep, core levels. I'm a pretty light-hearted person. Sure I have my down days like everyone, but I'm mostly a kind, easy-to-get-along-with type. I'm fairly satisfied with my temperament. I kind of like myself just the way I am and I feel it would be close to impossible to keep this work from affecting me. So unless something happens to change my mind by tomorrow, I'll be ditching this possible career path.

I'll give you more of the details of what it was like "in the big house" soon. On a purely sociological level it was pretty damn interesting to see how that society works, survives and develops it's own hierarchy.

So the question is: Now what am I going to do?

Eostre/Easter

2009-04-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

A small tidbit. (the question that just popped into my mind is where does the word tidbit come from? Inquiring minds want to know but I digress.)

Easter is named for the goddess of spring Eostre, which many pagan cultures held/hold festivals for. Fertility is central to the theme so hares and eggs played symbolic parts.

Happy Spring Everyone!

Snow Cake

2009-04-07T23:41:00.000-07:00

I saw a movie tonight that I really liked. It was called Snow Cake and stared Alan Rickman (Professor Snape from the Harry Potter movies) and Sigouney Weaver (who I think Is a brilliant actress.)

It was this nice slice of life movie about healing and dealing with difficult situations and getting to know yourself better. A man with a difficult past, who's pretty locked up goes through a life changing event and ends up spending time with an autistic woman and a few others who help him recover and reclaim his life. I don't want to give too much away but the acting is great and the message is hopeful but not in that obvious, cliched way. There are some breathtaking scenes. It makes you question what a lot of people take for granted as "normal" behavior - of course I do that regularly anyway!

Check it out - especially if you'd like a break from the usual formula movies that get so much mainstream attention.

Other Adventures

2009-04-02T22:12:00.000-07:00

I like having trips, outings, and adventures planned. I love a good road trip too. So Saturday I'm going out to Palm Springs for the day. It's the Dinah Shore weekend which is a huge gathering of lesbian-type people. A friend has rented a house there for the week and I think I'm going to spend at least part of the day lounging by her pool. I'm planning to go to where the hoards of women are and pass out ad cards for a woman's only martial arts class I'm starting May 4th. Networking - that's the way to go I hear.

In May it looks like I'm going up north to Chico to do a self defense workshop, and then there's the local Pride festival the following weekend and possibly the Maker Faire at the end of the month.

Mid June finds me signed up to intern at a permaculture based farm in Oregon for a week. These three women own 46 acres. There's no pay but I get room and board in exchange for 20 - 30 hours of work. Here's a list of what they're working on:

- gardens and orchard
- creating a gray water and rain water catchment system
- finishing the cob studios (plastering, cob floors)
- building a pottery studio (carpentry, rock work)
- building a permanent greenhouse (rock work, cob - bale/cob, carpentry)

These are the types of things I've been wanting to do for a long time. Plus, the owners are into writing, playing, and recording music and they say they love to jam with their guests that are into that. I haven't done this in a while but it could be fun. I guess I'll bring my guitar.

There are some possible outings for July but I do have tickets to go see Heart and our Demo Team will be performing at the county fair.

I like this. It suits me well. Seize the day!

Falling Apart

2009-04-01T22:25:00.001-07:00

Newsflash - my body seems to be falling apart. You know that stuffy ear I complained about 6 weeks ago? Yep, still stuffed. And you know when I complained about being sore and not being sure if I wasn't injured? Yep, still twinging with mild pain when I move wrong.

I hate this. I'm the person who bounces back quickly. I'm giving it till Monday then will resort to getting professional help. In the meantime I'm trying some home remedies - hot water bottles, eucalyptus oil, menthol rub, etc. I hate spending money to have it checked out. I have this friggin' high-deductable health insurance so that I can afford the monthly rate. Sigh.... complain, complain.

Stressful test

2009-03-26T23:12:00.000-07:00

I took a polygraph test today as part of the sheriff's deputy hiring process. It was really stressful and took FOREVER! I think I barely passed but they said that "quality control" might want me to come back. Apparently I had a lot of "artifacts" which is where I twitched or breathed too much or clenched my ass or something.

I'm questioning if this is the right career choice for me. If I can get this stressed during a fucking polygraph test maybe my coping skills aren't highly developed.

A few pictures from my Caribbean Trip

2009-03-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

Here's me and my roommate right before she got her own room. She was nice and we got along well but it was great having the room to myself the last couple of days.

Me, Lana and Kasey at Half Moon Cay. We were fast friends from the very beginning of the trip. I had a blast with these two! This was the warmest, sunniest day.

Me at Trunk Bay, St. John's Island minutes before it started pouring.

Me in a rain forest in Puerto Rico. This place was lush!

Me in my stateroom right before heading off to go dancing.

Laughing Back to California

2009-03-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

I had a GREAT trip. I definitely laughed more this past week than I ever have in a single week. I made new friends that I laughed with. There were four hilarious comics on board doing shows plus they MC'd different events. They had the audience doubled over with laughter.

One of the signers for the hearing impaired became part of one comics act when she kept throwing odd words randomly into her routine just to see what the sign for it was. It was hysterical plus so ad-libbed that it was surprising how well it worked. The signer got to laughing so had she had tears running down her cheeks and I noticed they came from the outside part of her eye, the same way I mentioned in another post.

I've got the jet lag thing going and I'm pretty tired but I'll try to post some pictures soon.

Packing

2009-02-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

I've been packing. I catch my plane tomorrow evening. With the time change and flight time I should be in Florida around 5 a.m. No need to get a hotel so I'll poke around the port for a few hours and get some breakfast before checking in at the ship. I think I'm ready. I just need to double check that I got everything and buy some new Teva's - you know, those sandals that you can wear in the water and have good grip. I have some but the Velcro has worn out so they sometimes just pop undone. I'm mainly hoping that my stuffy ear won't start hurting on the plane. I'll probably take some aspirin before we take off just in case and I suppose there's always alcohol. I don't drink too often so it probably wouldn't take much to be effective.

I'm not sure if I'll post or not while I'm gone. We'll just have to see about that.

Bon Voyage!

Caught up

2009-02-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

I went to my friend Patti's house and watched the last two episodes of the L Word that I had missed.This is the final season and they are pulling out all the stops in the ridiculous department. I'm finding it highly amusing! I've always just watched it alone after getting it on net flix and I have bought a few of the season boxed sets. It's really fun watching it with someone who knows the show and the characters. We were busting up and commenting on stuff all evening.

I'm leaving for my cruise this Saturday. My ear is still plugged but, oh well. I'm not going to let that stop me. My shoulder is much better though.

Sore or Injured

2009-02-25T22:13:00.000-08:00

I mentioned yesterday that I was sore from doing that crazy-cool lesson over and over. Well, it looks like it's more than just sore. I went to bed with a heating pad on my inner shoulder and when I woke up this morning and tried to move it I was in pain. I thought, "crap, I injured it!" It got better throughout the day and now it just feels sore again. So what's the differrence between sore and painful and injured? I guess it's a matter of degree. It hurts more than last night but a lot less than it did this morning. My range of motion and ability to lift with that arm is a bit limited. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Hard lesson

2009-02-24T23:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took the kids to the zoo. I go back and forth on zoos in general because I hate to see animals in captivity but it's so great to get the chance to see them in "person" so to speak. Son could get some extra credit in his biological anthropology class if he went and completed a work sheet on primates. I'm still ambivalent about the zoo concept but we had a really great time together.

I'm sore. I taught this self defense lesson that I could never see actually using to defend myself but it is super cool. It ends with what's called a scissor leg take-down. Basically you launch yourself feet first and throw your legs around your opponent in a scissor motion that takes their legs out from beneath them, causing them to fall on their back. But you fall too and in a way that's harder to control than the person getting taken down. We put out extra mats but by the last class I was sore and tired from demonstrating it. I'm going to soak in a hot shower then hit the hay. Did I just say "hit?" I mean gently tuck myself in for some well-earned, peaceful sleep. Night.

Oscar

2009-02-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

This year I had seen four of the five movies up for best picture. I did not see "The Reader." I liked all four but of those, here's the order I would put them in:

#1 Milk
#2 Slumdog Millionaire
#3 Frost/Nixon
#4 Benjamin Button.

It was fine that Slumdog won. I was glad to see Sean Penn win best actor for Milk. He did an incredible job in that roll and I really appreciated his speech. I think overall it was a good year for movies.

A nice weekend & self health care

2009-02-22T23:02:00.000-08:00

This was a great weekend. I could give you all the details as to why, but then I'd have to kill you and we don't want that do we! Although my ear is still plugged, it doesn't hurt or anything and it didn't turn into a noticeable cold. I researched a bit on line and it seems that this is not uncommon. I started taking a decongestant this evening to see if that might help. My son reminded me that he had these same symptoms a few months back and that it took about a month to clear up even though he went to the student health center for treatment.

One weird thing from this is that my hearing is tweaked in that ear. I live next door to a church that has bell ringing sounds every half hour most of the day. The sound now has this dissonant echo note right after each gong. When I cover the plugged up ear it sounds normal. As long as it doesn't seem serious, I usually allow things to clear up on their own or with a little help from natural or easy over-the-counter remedies before I go to a doctor.

I leave next Saturday night for my Caribbean cruise so I'm really hoping that this won't effect my trip.

Outside tears

2009-02-21T23:29:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a book called "Hanta Yo" by Ruth Bebe Hill. It's a story that starts off in the time of the Plain's Indians just before they had contact with the white man. This book is so well researched it's incredible! The traditions, ceremonies and way of looking at the world are interwoven into a story with rich characters. She intersperses actual Dakotah words and phrases that get seamlessly translated in the text.

There was a part of this book where one of the characters is thinking about tears of joy. She said they fall from the outside of the eye where all tears of happiness fall. I started thinking about this and I believe that this is true, although I had never considered this before. When I've laughed so hard that I cried or when that emotional joyous feeling brings tears, I do think that that is where they fall from. Tears of sadness seem to come from the inside part of my eyes. I found that very interesting.

Knife Fight!

2009-02-20T21:42:00.000-08:00

Did I get your attention with this blog title? Hehehehehe. I'm feeling about the same. It's just that left ear stuffed up.

Now for the knife fight. I had a demo team practice tonight. I just recruited four new members and it was their first practice. They're all pretty young - about 5-7 years old. What's great about the young ones is that if they get out there in a performance and are really fierce, they steal the show. My older team members come up with some technically difficult and powerful routines. We hear ohhs and ahhs for their work but the audience is always charmed by the little ones so I keep recruiting them because they all get older and lose the kid charm.

I was trying to come up with a new routine for them. We use rubber knives in our regular training for my advanced classes. The kids really wanted to get the chance to use them. One kid said it would be cool to just find the weapons on the ground. That gave me an idea so now I have two knives on the ground tied with fishing line. Two kids pretend to be walking along and spot the knives but when they bend over to pick them up the two other kids pull them away; like the old money trick. Then the "pullers" pick up the knives and hold them up in a menacing way. The first two kids look surprised then reach behind them and pull two knives of their own out of the back of their waistbands. Now the the pullers look surprised. It goes on from there but they never do "fight" with the knives and at one point an older team member just walks up and takes them away saying "kids shouldn't be playing with knives" so the end up battling hand to hand.

It went really well. These kids are excited to be in our performance group. I really enjoy using my creativity in this way and seeing what my students come up with themselves. I love taking my team out to perform in the community. Our next gig will be for a group of mentally challenged adults who always LOVE our shows.

not sure

2009-02-19T23:58:00.000-08:00

I can't tell if I'm getting sick or not. My left ear is still stuffy and I'm feeling a bit run down but not in an alarming way. I guess I'll know more when I wake up. I think it would be worth being sick for a few days if that would mean my ear would get un-stuffed.

Cha-ching

2009-02-18T22:33:00.000-08:00

It was slow at the tax office today. I only did one return but I did end up giving my client an ad card from my studio because she said she'd been thinking about getting her daughter into martial arts.

I had time to do my own tax return. I got myself a pretty good refund - more than enough to cover my cruise. I also bought travel insurance today just in case.

I did a self defense class this evening for a girl scout troupe. They were mostly 7 & 8 years old. It was really fun and the parents seemed to appreciate their daughters getting this valuable information and a chance to practice some important skills

I've had a white noise thing going on in the left side of my head for the past four days and today that ear feels kind of clogged up. I hope I'm not getting sick! There have been a lot of sick people around me lately. I'm drinking my medicine tea and taking other measures. At least if I were to get a cold now, it should be over with by the 28th - trip day! Keeping my fingers crossed.

Inspired

2009-02-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

Like I said yesterday, I've been watching videos of comics. It's been very inspiring. I spent a lot of last night and today randomly coming up with funny stories about my life and, what I think of as, interesting ways of relating them - sort of role playing the difference between what I showed on the outside and what I was actually feeling on the inside. I'm really excited about doing this stand up routine on the ship. Who knows, it could be the start of a new hobby or even - dare I say - career? I guess I may be jumping the gun a bit, but a girl can dream; can't she?

Rox and Anne, thanks for the Judy Tenuta recommendation. I had forgotten about her. I looked her up and watched some of her material. It was hilarious and so well delivered.

Oh shit, I almost forgot

2009-02-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

I've been watching a bunch of you tube videos of comics - mostly women, mostly lesbian. I'm trying to hone my stand up skills early, before the Olivia Cruise. I just shut off Kathy Griffin (not a lesbian but very gay friendly) when I realized how late it is. She was making me laugh talking about her Emmy acceptance speech where she made a point of saying that unlike other performers, Jesus had nothing to do with her win. It went on from there but she was so thrilled at the outrage and huge amounts of publicity she got out of it. This was from her "Straight to Hell" show.

I was going to call it a night and I realized I hadn't done my daily blog entry. So here it is! Monday, Feb 16th.

Moon walking

2009-02-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

I've signed up to do the Olivia Cruise Star Search. The winner gets to perform on a future cruise with all expenses paid. When I first thought about it, I was thinking of making it a comedy routine about a manic multi-tasking woman. I think I have too much material.

I was trying to narrow it down today and then started thinking about how to make an entertaining entrance. I know how to moon walk and I can spin a bo staff pretty well (martial arts style.) I practiced doing both at the same time. It looked pretty cool and amused me very much so I'll keep playing with that and work on firming up the rest of the material. I'm planning on taking my video camera so if it ends up going well maybe I'll post it here.

Sleeping in

2009-02-14T21:15:00.000-08:00

It seems most of this week I have woken up fairly early and pretty much hit the ground running. This morning I woke up without the alarm at about 9:30. Then I laid around daydreaming and light dozing for another hour. Then I grabbed a book and read for a while. It was so nice. This has been a really lazy, delightful day.

Joking at the tax office

2009-02-13T23:38:00.000-08:00

There were two good friends who came together to get their taxes done today. I took Betty and my colleague, Laura, took her friend. Our desks are pretty close together and the four of us had the best time doing tax returns. They were really funny and Laura and I joke around a lot anyway. Then the friend says out of nowhere "Did you hear about the girl who goes to her Gramma's house and says 'Gramma where's your medications. I found out they're laced with LSD!' And the Gramma says "Fuck the meds man, we got to do something about the giant Dragon in the kitchen!"

I just busted up. The way she told it, and the blank look on Laura and Betty's face made me laugh!

Excursions

2009-02-12T21:29:00.000-08:00

An email came from the cruise company that said we could start booking our excursions for the four stops we make on our Caribbean cruise. When I checked it out, there were already waiting lists for some of the adventures. I got on it this afternoon and now I'm looking forward to learning to Scuba dive, hiking in a rain forest, taking a catamaran to an uninhabited island for some snorkeling and beach combing, para-sailing, and something called flow riding. This is where you ride an artificial wave. Water is pumped onto a cushioned wave shaped surface. You can do it laying down, on your knees or standing up - which looks really cool to me. Only 16 more days to go!

Professional errand runner?

2009-02-11T22:20:00.000-08:00

Here's a job that I wish paid enough money to be a career. I actually enjoy running errands. We were out of coffee cups at the tax office so I volunteered to walk to the local market and pick some up. It was nice out and I enjoy walking so it felt like I was on a break or something. I also like driving. I really don't mind when I have to go from place to place and pick up things or go grocery shopping or stop by the post office or bank. You know, those everyday errands that just need to get done. I'd rather do that than do paperwork or sit in front of my computer working on stuff. I guess people pay for personal assistants but I wouldn't want to do their paperwork kind of stuff either.

Maybe there is something out there that would utilize my skills and fine disposition in this regard. I'll have to think on this. Hmmmmmmmm

Goats are for losers

2009-02-10T22:23:00.000-08:00

Since the main reason I have this blog is more of a journal for myself, I have decided I like posting pictures. Plus, I can do it a lot quicker than I could before. Anyway, here's a picture of me playing with my old band. Well, you can't see the band but they're there too. I'm pretty sure em took this picture about 3 or 4 years ago. Anyway, I miss playing music with a band. I know I have no time for it now, but still, I really loved that feeling.

Speaking of bands, Daughter and I were driving in my car and listening to the Queen CD she got for Solstice. The song "We are the Champions" was playing. My daughter asked what they were singing in the chorus on the line "No time for losers cause we are the champions...of the world" so I told her. She started laughing and said she had always heard "Goats are for losers....." I laughed so hard and the next time that line was sung I totally heard "Goats are for losers..." which made me laugh even harder.

Milton Berle is quoted as saying "Laughter is an instant vacation." I agree. I'm grateful for my daughter, laughter, having had the opportunity to perform in a band and instant vacations.

Cartoon me

2009-02-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

I was messing around today trying to come up with a unique picture to put on my business card. I had this one taken recently by a professional photographer. I cropped it, balanced the color then, just for fun, I put it in cartoon form. I don't know, I ended up liking it and finding it amusing. It seems more interesting than what usually gets put on advertising. The cards were pretty cheap so I ordered some. I'll see what I think when it actually get it in my hot little hands. I'm grateful for self amusement.

By the way, that's my "Don't mess with me look."

Spirits on a roll

2009-02-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

I just go back from a gathering of lesbians who got together to talk about spiritual concepts. There were about 40 of us and we met in the home of an artist who lives in, what I think is, the Beverly Hills area. The topic was happiness and it was very interesting participating and hearing other people's thoughts. I like that it didn't devolve into the "just think happy thoughts all the time and you'll be happy." There was discussion on how some had overcome adversity, some of which seemed pretty painful, but that there were gifts from difficult experiences. Some books were mentioned that I may check out.

This was a really nice group. There was much laughter, story telling, alternate views and support. I will definitely go again.

A day well spent

2009-02-07T23:08:00.000-08:00

My computer is running pretty slow today. I think I'll shut it completely off tonight. I'm grateful for fried catfish, talking things out and reminders. Oh yeah, and tuning forks.

Something good about a goverment agency

2009-02-06T22:16:00.000-08:00

I got my passport today. I was told 7-10 days for the expedited service but not to call unless it took more than three weeks. 7 days later and it's in my mailbox. I also had good service when I called for some information last week. Maybe this isn't the norm but I'm very pleased with this particular government agency. I called today to find out where my supporting documents were as they didn't come with the passport. The woman checked and said they are coming separately in a couple of weeks. I let her know how impressed I was with my service and she seemed glad to have someone tell her that. Everything is in place now for my Caribbean cruise. I'm really excited. Woooo Hoooo!

Good at what I do

2009-02-05T23:17:00.000-08:00

It's nice to feel competent. I had stripe tests at my studio for the past two days. I love seeing my students make improvements. Since it's one-on-one during each student's test, I get to really focus in on them and how they are executing certain techniques. I'm really good at explaining or demonstrating how to make each strike more effective. I often see my students improve 100% in the 10 or 15 minutes I spend testing them. It's very satisfying for both of us. It's amazing to see the look one their face when they take my suggestions, incorporate it correctly, and feel themselves suddenly delivering a strike with more speed, power and/or fluidity than they ever expected.

The only less-than-stellar thing that happened was when I was helping a 24 year old female student who had to throw this fairly tall 18 year old guy. She was not getting him off the ground very well so after trying to help her verbally I got up and demonstrated the technique. I knew he had been resisting being thrown which he did with me also. I showed the female student how to use her hips to get his feet off the ground. I think it startled him how easily I accomplished this so when I actually did the throw he didn't use the break fall technique and landed pretty hard on his back. He got up right away and said he was OK but I wasn't so sure and could tell that his pride was involved. After that though I had her throw me. She executed the throw three more times really well. The look of confidence on her face was great! The 18 year old guy tested next and made some really huge improvements as well so I'm sure he'll be fine.

Geese and Typos

2009-02-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

I have seen big flocks (gaggles) of geese in the past two days. I was teaching at my studio and I heard this honking noise. It's not that I've never heard geese but this was very loud. I walked out the back door and there they were flying east. There was a good 50 or 60 of them which is way more than I've ever seen in this area. The next day two or three groups came over then merged to the north. It was a beautiful sight but I was thinking I'd hate to be crapped on by a bird that large. Yuck!

I've realized that I'm very susceptible to typos. When I'm finished writing a blog post, I'll proof-read it then publish it. I always look at my published post because, for some reason, this is where I catch most of my typos. I'd say 90 percent of the time I end up going back to correct and re-publish it. I don't know why miss them before. I'll do that with comments too but there's no going back to correct except in another comment.

Today, while doing a return, I entered the person's birthday as 1997 instead of 1967. The program wouldn't let me go through with a refund anticipation loan and it took me and the most experienced processor some time to figure it out. I wasted so much time, both mine and my clients, for this seemingly simple mistake although I was able to find a way to get them a bigger refund than they were expecting. They were really nice about it and I gave them both t-shirts. I could have completed another simple return in the extra time it took. The hours I work there go by quickly and I like talking to my customers but I don't enjoy entering all the data. Maybe this will help me with being more precise or something.

Communication - or lack thereof

2009-02-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

I was out for my run this morning and musing about things. I got to thinking how tricky communication can be. You speak to someone and think you know for sure that that other person knows how you feel. Then at some point it comes out that the thing you thought you said got received in a different way. Sometimes it ends up being quite different from the original intent. So it made me laugh when I went to this blog and checked the comments. Rox and Anne wrote that they'll still be there when I get back. I thought - Get back from what?

So I read my last blog post and sure enough, if I had been anyone else, I would have thought that I was signing off for a while. When I said "This blog post is it for me" I meant the last thing I was going to do last night because I had hit the wall. See how tired my brain was? Hopefully my three or four readers (I don't keep stats) won't tune out thinking it might be eons until the next exciting blog post. So that's communication for ya. I'm enjoying posting every day.

Brain Pushups

2009-02-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

I've hit the wall man. I had an extra challenging day preparing taxes then ran off to write my newsletter and get ready for my evening martial arts classes. I got home and started helping my son with his algebra homework. It was stuff I knew how to do but my mind felt like it had done it's last push up. This blog post is it for me. I think I'm just trying to do too much so I'll be cutting back to two days a week at the tax office. Checking out now. Ciao!

Beach walk with a friend

2009-02-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

I got to sleep in this morning. It was nice waking up and not feeling rushed.

I called a friend and we went for a walk on the beach. We both had some emotional stuff that we needed to talk to someone about so we were there for each other. I got so much out of our conversation. She asked the right questions and helped uncover some ways of looking at the situation the were amazingly helpful. She said that so far, no one had responded to her situation the way I did and that she felt some relief and clarification as well. What a gift that is. I'm grateful for this friendship.

Saturday's post

2009-02-01T01:21:00.000-08:00

I got in late again so I officially deem this my Saturday post. I had a good day. I met with my bookkeeper who is getting used to my ways after two years and just goes with the flow now instead of being anal about my fairly loose record keeping system. I've met her half way on some things so were getting along swimmingly. I don't recall ever using the word "swimmingly" before. I like it.

I played a board game with my friend Anna and her girlfriend and then we watched a DVD of a Heart concert. Man, that is a great band. I'd love to see them in concert again.

My kids were at their friend's 18th birthday party and many of the homeschool Mom's I used to hang out with on park days were there. I stayed for a few hours and visited. It was really fun. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed talking with these folks almost every Wednesday for years. I'm grateful for a pleasant day.

Caught off guard

2009-01-30T23:21:00.000-08:00

I was having an on-again off-again hard day yesterday. It wasn't like the whole day sucked or anything but I was battling feelings of sadness that kept washing over me at any moment that I wasn't totally distracted. My friend Jane asked me if I was alright and do you know what tragic, drama-filled response I gave as I walked away? I said "I'm never alright." What a load of bullshit that is and where the fuck did it come from? I hated that I said it the moment it left my mouth. I ended up calling her and the others who heard me and told them that it wasn't true and that I was somehow caught off guard by Jane when the sadness wave was at high tide.

Today was better. I took my kids and my daughter's friend to the Queen Mary ship and spent a pleasant afternoon with them. Then I went out to dinner with some women I met at the dance club that I sometimes go to on Sundays. They were fun. Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's house for dinner and a board game night so I'm still keepin' busy. That seems to be what's working for me now.

Passport to adventure and possibly another trip

2009-01-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

I spent part of today getting the info together to get issued a new passport. I'll need it for my upcoming Caribbean cruise. My current passport is still in my married name although I've changed it in just about every other place. I got what I thought was some bum information from the guy at the first passport office I went to. It seemed like he was just trying to get rid of me even though I had made an appointment.

I went to another office and the guy there was way more helpful plus I confirmed the procedure by calling the main government passport office. An actual PERSON answered quickly. I was a bit shocked. She also gave me a tip on some extra copies I could send to prove that I'm now using my birth name. I sent it off today so it's out of my hands now. I had to pay extra for expedited service. I should have the new one in a week or so but was told to wait three weeks before calling to check. That would be cutting it pretty damn close. I'll be glad to get it in my hot little hands.

The vacation company is hosting an "Olivia Cruise Star Search" which I signed up for. The winner gets to come back and perform on another cruise - all expenses paid. I'm thinking of doing a parody of a multi-tasker by playing guitar, getting the audience to participate and help with singing, and doing martial arts at the same time. The person in charge of the event is supposed to call me in the next few days so I'll run it past her and see what she thinks. I'll need to do some practicing.

I'm grateful for distractions.

Earl and Amy

2009-01-29T00:45:00.000-08:00

Technically, I have missed my regular daily post that I committed to and have followed through on since December third. I left this morning at 9:30 and just got home a few minutes ago. But even though my day just happened to end after midnight, I'm going to consider this as Wednesday's post.

I went to my Aunt Pat's, Dad's funeral. Earl was not a blood relation but he was one heck of a nice guy. A bunch of my family from Washington were there and it's always nice to get a chance to see them. My parents and older sister were there too. I've realized that I kind of like funerals / memorials / life-celebrations. There is something about putting life into perspective and realizing that our time is short. Earl was 96. I think whenever it ends up being your time, if you are cognizant enough, you probably feel like it went by quickly. I was telling my son today that I'm at a point in my life where I want to work hard and play hard too. That being said...

After the gathering and socializing with my relatives, I went to see Amy Ray play at the world famous Troubadour Club. Amy is half of my favorite duo / band "The Indigo Girls." Amy is more of the rocker and Emily is way more folk. It ends up being a nice balance because they pull and challenge each other stylistically plus their harmonies are amazing. The show tonight was GREAT! The club is small and I got a seat just above and to the right of the stage. In front of the stage is standing room only so I also got to see how that part of the crowd reacted. Amy had a really talented back up band and they were rocking the house. I used to write songs and play in a band. I think this helps me appreciate the hard work that goes into making a band sound that tight. They had so much energy! I also found myself missing playing and writing. I jotted down a few ideas for songs while I was there so maybe, in all my spare time, I'll at least get back to the writing part.

I'm grateful for this life that I am privileged to be experiencing.

Busy, Busy

2009-01-27T22:04:00.000-08:00

I have been exceptionally busy lately. I guess adding in 15 hours a week of working at the tax prep office has thrown everything into high gear. I still have to do all the stuff for my martial arts studio. I'm still feeling energized by my upcoming cruise so I'm getting things done. I borrowed a book from Trish called "guerrilla marketing." There is some really helpful info that I'm going to incorporate into my business.

Tomorrow I'm going to yet another memorial/funeral. That's three in the last two months. A lot of my family that lives in Washington will be there. I haven't seen most of them in over five years. I guess that's one good thing about funerals.

20 year old, skateboarding, drug addict

2009-01-26T22:36:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. I been working flat out since 9 am. I have an amusing tale but I'm going to keep it short. I may leave out some details.

I was at my coming out support group last Friday. I got there late and there's this girl there who is clearly tweaking on drugs. She's a skater, very young, and has jet black hair with bright pink bangs. She tries to tell her story but she loses everyone and it makes very little sense although I got the impression, by the way she phrased some things, that she's probably very smart. It was just that she was higher than a kite. Everyone looked uncomfortable but the facilitator did a great job of controlling the situation so that she didn't take over the discussion.

After the meeting, a few of us were talking outside the building. She was sitting there on her skateboard and would laugh occasionally. Then she's says to me "Here" and hands me a matchbook. I say "What's this for?" She says "I think you're funny. I want you to write down my phone number and call me. I want to take you out for dinner."

Then today, I'm working at the tax office and I'm with a client. I look into the reception area an there she is. She's mumbling and then someone else that works there goes to see what she wants. I'm thinking "Shit, I don't want her to see me" so I'm kind of hiding behind my client. Skate girl doesn't see me and leaves. I finish the return I'm working on and go and talk to Linda, who was the one that greeted her. I asked what she wanted and Linda said a job but added that skate girl was on crack or something. I told her how I had met her last Friday. Linda had had another weird encounter with her last week. My friend Trish, that owns the business said "Hey, that's three encounters associated with the office which means that we're supposed to help her somehow." I said "What, you mean like the universe wants us to do something for her?" Trish says "Yeah, maybe we'll end up doing her taxes for free or something." I'm thinking "What the hell?"

Anyway, I guess I got asked out but really, I'm not that desperate. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll see her again somewhere. I'm grateful that wasn't today.

Farmer's Market

2009-01-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

My daughter and I went to the local farmer's market. I really like the atmosphere there. You can smell all that produce and the vendor's have samples laid out so you taste before you buy. The customers are all out and about on a nice day and seem so relaxed. There is always a musician or two playing for tips. One vendor makes really delicious tamales which we had for lunch. Yum!

I'm glad to have a place like this to stroll, shop, an experience.

Boost

2009-01-24T18:47:00.000-08:00

If you didn't see my last post, go read it. When I decided to book the cruise, I made myself a promise that I would work my ass off for the next five weeks. I've been pretty down lately and the excitement of having this trip on my agenda has really lifted my spirits. I got a lot of shit done today! I'm off to work on my new studio web site now.

Big Trip!

2009-01-23T21:58:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited! (and grateful) I just booked a one week cruise to the Caribbean. This has been the hardest emotional year of my life. As I emailed to my good blogger friend Anne, I just want to get the hell out of dodge for a while. I thought about Vegas and a few other destinations but then I checked out the Olivia Cruises on line. They specialize in lesbian vacations. I called to get more info and they had a great price for solo travelers. Then I checked round trip flights to Ft Lauderdale and they were very reasonable also.

Three of my favorite lesbian comics are performing on board including Kate Clinton! I love Kate Clinton! Also Arianna Huffington will be hosting a symposium on "Post Election Analysis: Challenges and Opportunities. That should be good too but man - we're talking the Bahamas, Puerto Rico, St. Thomas; I'm so there!

I can already feel the boost it's giving me. I love having trips planned, even small ones. It's the first week of March so it's still five weeks off. I can't wait, but I think that the anticipation is half the fun.

Skunk weed

2009-01-22T20:18:00.000-08:00

New tenants have moved in next door to my studio. Since their arrival, there has been a strong smell of skunk weed in my studio from time to time. I mentioned it to the two guys leasing the place and they said something to the effect that they were doing a lot of construction and painting and that's probably where the smell is coming from.

I let a couple of weeks pass and then talked to one of them again and told him that it smells like pot and I was getting complaints. Anyway, they have said to me, and a couple of others at the studio, that they would handle it. It's gotten a little bit better but I'm at the point where I'm just going to call the cops next time it's bad. They told me that they are selling musical equipment on line. People arrive at the back door, ring the bell, get buzzed in and then they leave later. No one is carrying in or out anything tangible. I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt but I suspect that they're dealing drugs and trying out the "product" inside. It really pisses me off that I even have to deal with this.

Anyway, let's see...what am I grateful for? It's the weekend, I'm may be going hiking on Saturday and my kids are unexpectedly staying in town with me which is good cause I've been wrestling with a bad case of loneliness and was dreading having the weekend here by myself.

Missing something

2009-01-21T23:36:00.000-08:00

I had a weird feeling today. It was this idea that I am missing something important in my emotional/intellectual development. Like there must be some way to perceive my existence that would give me some missing piece of the puzzle. It's kind of like when there's something on the tip of your tongue - some word that you're grasping for that's almost there, but not quite. It seems like this missing piece would help everything make more sense. I don't know if it's really the case but it's kinda bugging me. How would I go about finding it? Therapy? Hypnosis? Psychic reading?

I may just park myself out in nature for a day or so and allow my mind to explore - see if I can get still enough to let this missing piece make itself known. Whatever it is seems pretty important. Or, on the other hand, I may be totally full of shit! I'm grateful to be able to laugh as I'm pondering these seemingly big questions.

Hope for change

2009-01-20T20:27:00.000-08:00

I'm excited that we have a new president! I saw all those people gathered just to be in the general vicinity when Obama was sworn in. I shed a tear seeing all those little flags being waved and said to the kids "There's pride in being an American again." What a great feeling! It gave me hope.

Plus, that was our guy! - the one we hauled our asses to Nevada to support and gave up one whole weekend campaigning for. I'm so glad that the kids and I did that together (along with em and Helen.) We'll remember that for the rest of our lives.This morning, I was snuggled up on the couch with my kids and said, "We helped make this happen." It was very powerful and humbling at the same time.

And, to top it off, I signed up two separate new students today - meaning they weren't from the same family. That hasn't happened in a single day in a long time. Maybe there's hope there too. If I can roll up my sleeves, work hard and turn things around at my studio, that would be like me doing my part to helping this economy and this country. It may sound lofty and self important but I truly believe in the ripple theory. We're all connected. We all make a difference. Plus, I just spent $480 on text books for my kids and could really use the money.

For Sure

2009-01-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

For some reason I was thinking that it might be interesting to randomly ask people the question "What do you know for sure?" For myself, I'm sure that I'm not sure about very much. I'm sure that I'm a kind person for the most part. I'm sure that I love my kids. Aside from that I would need to think on this for a while but probably won't take much time to do so. So maybe it's not that interesting of a question or maybe I'm just more curious what other people think. Sigh...

I'm grateful I got my first paid tax return under my belt today. I was pretty nervous but think I hid it well. I asked this man if he was still single. He said "yes" then volunteered that he wasn't "straight." I said "Me neither" and we both laughed. As I was entering the information we talked about the last Pride Festival, and some of the local hangouts. I ended up getting him about $600 more in a tax refund than he got last year so he was pretty happy.

Mecca

2009-01-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

What an amazing place! Six of us ended up hiking through these beautiful canyons. At times the passage between the cliffs was so narrow that you could touch both side at the same time. It was like this labirynth and there were these ladders that took us to different levels between or on top of the cliffs. And the colors....spectacular. There are people that I know that would love this place and I hope to get a trip out there again.

The weather was perfect. Karen kept thanking us for coming with her to celebrate her birthday. She was really happy. I'm grateful to have a friend like her. She loves to plan outings like this. It's nice to have someone say, "Here's exactly what I want to do for my birthday. Want to come?" It takes all the guesswork out of it. I'm thinking of following suit; not just for special occasions but any fun plans that I may want to make.

I forgot my camera, as did five of the six of us. I'm hoping that Gina will email me some so I can post them here.

Off for the weekend

2009-01-17T08:25:00.001-08:00

I'm leaving soon to do several activites for the rest of the weekend. I'm going to have a talk with my parents and see if it will help me get over the hurt I feel for the way they reacted to my relationship with em and eduardo. Then I'm heading for Idyllwild. Karen will cut and color my hair. I'm staying with my friend Kathy and her hubby who owns the best restaurant in town so we'll probably go there for dinner.

Then Sunday we're helping Karen celebrate her 65th birthday. She and some of her friends are going down the backside of the hill, past Palm Springs, to hike at a place called Mecca. It's right on the San Andreas fault and there are these uplifted areas that are supposed to look like the mesas from the south west. You have to climb ladders during the hike to get on top. It's supposed to be beautiful!

I may go dancing on the way home and/or go to one of the places that I know that are doing premier parties for the L Word's final season. Lesbo Bingo sounds like fun at a local place but I don't think I'll get there in time for that.

I'm certainly keeping busy this weekend. I think it's just what I need right now.

Exciting ride-a-long

2009-01-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I thought I was getting sick so I took it easy, ate spicy foods and drank lots of liquids including my medicine tea. I felt OK this morning so I was able to go on a ride-a-long with a sheriff's deputy. Officer Mejia was really nice. He explained so much about how he does his job. He said that this station was the "fastest" one in the county. He showed me how to use the patrol car radio in case he got into trouble and needed me to get him some help. That was reassuring! He kept pointing out law violations he saw but said that they get so many urgent calls that he doesn't spend much of his day in this way. He did almost constantly run plates to see if they were registered properly or stolen. It was pretty calm though till near the end of his shift.

He had just pulled over a car that was speeding through a residential neighborhood. The driver didn't have a license and there was the smell of pot. He got the driver out and searched him, found some pot and put him in the back of the patrol car. He got the passenger out and did the same. Then he got a call on his radio and suddenly he was telling the two to get out of the car now! They jumped out and we took off soooo fast. It was exciting and a bit scary to be blasting through the city driving around cars on the wrong side of the road. He'd slow down through the intersections then as soon as we were clear he'd step on it. I saw that he had a lot of driving skill so I was able to somewhat relax. I was thinking that this is one part of the job that em would like!

Anyway, there were some high school guys who had gotten into a fight on their way home. They had about 10 guys all lined up sitting against a wall. A whole shitload of other students were milling around. The officer's that showed up then all got out to disperse the crowd. There was this wild energy around there. Things seemed to have settled down so we left. Almost immediately another call came in and and off we were off again. Some of the students had walked down to a park and some girls were all heated up ready to fight. Kids were running all over, people were yelling, and it was hard to know what was happening and exactly where. We ended up driving through the park and Officer Mejia kept telling people to just go home. When we came around to the front again they were putting four girls into two campus security cars. They weren't too happy.

I'm grateful to be able to get an idea of what this job would be like. I really feel that I'd be good at it but also know that it wouldn't be my dream job. I have my dream job now or at least that part of my job that includes planning and teaching my classes. I guess I'll just leave all the cards on the table and see what comes up. I did enjoy this exciting day!

Taxes and chops

2009-01-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm going to start preparing taxes next week. I went for a short training session on procedures and customer interactions. I'm grateful to have this opportunity to generate some extra income that should help out for the next few months. Also, it's interesting to see the parallels between a martial arts studio and a tax preparation business. Customer service and being able to demonstrate benefits and value are important in any service oriented service.

Taxi service

2009-01-14T22:55:00.000-08:00

It's a good thing I actually like driving. Here's my driving day. Take son to school, pick up belts for the belt test, back home, take daughter to dance tryouts, go to studio, go back for daughter, take her to art supply store for required supplies for her Scene Painting Class, back to studio, back to school to pick up son, go to frozen yogurt place to pick up daughter (she caught a lift with friends after the belt test) and now back at home. I'm grateful for a full, busy day.

Ripping off the band-aid

2009-01-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

I just got back from my Al-anon meeting. Boy did I ever need it. Everything that got said today seemed to touch on my experiences. I'm grateful to have this place to go to.

I'm the type of person who if I've decided to get into the ocean and I know it will be cold at first, I jump in all at once. When I've figured out that there is something that absolutely has to be done that makes me feel nervous or scared, I like to get it done quickly and not vacillate. When a band-aid needs to come off, I rip it off in one fell swoop. But this past year has gone against my natural habit. The emotional connection band-aid is being torn off agonizingly slow. Rip... ouch....tear... owww....peal...holy shit....re-stick...slight relief...pull...nooooo...and then I'm at the last part but instead of it being glued on it feels stitched on. I'm tugging but fuck, it's on there good and I can see blood and.....I may just let it flap there in the breeze for awhile.

Outdoor life

2009-01-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

I picked up a burrito for lunch today and headed for my old neighborhood park to eat. I lived there from age 11 till 23 and moved back later and raised my kids in the same house for most of their early years. It was a warm and very windy day which is sometimes annoying but it felt cleansing today; like my not-so-great mood was being swept out of me in this amazingly wild, raw, and intrinsic way. I'm finding it hard to give this feeling words but it was really powerful.

I got to thinking about how much of my young life was lived outdoors. I loved being outside. I'd grab a snack after school and usually headed for this same park. I sat there today feeling really grateful that I was able to live this life and that other kids did the same. The park was a meeting grounds for basketball, football and softball games, kite flying, skateboarding and hitting tennis balls against the backboard in the handball courts, just to name a few. We barely had Atari video games (Pong) so kids were actually out playing. I think that's a lot more rare now and I'm thinking pretty sad. I guess each new generation in this society has it's way of having fun and they don't miss what they don't have. I'm glad that it was that way for me though. It was a really nice fit.

The roles we play

2009-01-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

The full wolf moon last night was amazing! The color of the entire sky was this deep, rich midnight blue. I'm grateful to have seen it.

I went to an Al-anon meeting this morning that takes place on the beach. It was like a summer day out there. I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt and was roasting!

The topic was the roles we assume in our families and lives. You know like people-pleaser, drama king or queen, rebel, scapegoat, mediator etc. and how these roles get swapped around from time to time. I shared that I am a recovering super hero. There is such a rush when you swoop in and feel like you fixed a problem or prevented someone some pain. The trouble is that you enable that person not to do it for themselves. Obviously that's not terrible from time to time. If you actually pull someone off the tracks before an oncoming train hits them, I'm thinking that's understandable. But there are so many more times that you need to let other people deal with things themselves and get the benefits from the struggle those lessons bring. It's hard though, especially when you love those people. Supporting them is one thing when they ask but knowing when and where to stay the hell out of the way is another. I'm working on this.

There is an even bigger rush when you see someone you care about step up to the plate and find solutions for themselves. My kids are a prime example. The more I step back the more competent they become.

Sand hills and Asses

2009-01-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

I held a two hour beach workout with some my students this morning. A local beach puts up a rather steep 30 or 40 foot sand berm to protect the houses. I've posted about sand boarding there. We had a lot of fun and got a good workout. A favorite was what I called "King of the hill dodge ball. One person would start at the top with a bunch of soft throwing balls. The other 10 or so would charge the hill on my command. The balls were thrown at the chargers and those hit would get to join the top person in throwing duties till one or two people were running up while 8 or 9 were bombing them. It was tiring but really fun. We did other cool things too but that seemed to be the favorite.

I'm totally stealing this from my blogger friend Anne.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, where:
: ) means a smile and
: ( is a frown.

Well, how about some ASSICONS?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass*
(_?_) Dumb Ass

*here's the one I'd like to try on for size.

The L word

2009-01-09T11:36:00.000-08:00

I volunteered to be tagged by Rox. This meme is where you are assigned a letter and write 10 things you like that starts with this letter. Rox gleefully gave me L. If you comment, I'll assign you a letter for you to take off with and so forth and so on.

1. "The L Word" - OK Rox, I'll bite. I do like this show. It's all soap opera-ish but the characters are distinct and well developed. Two fan favorites split up at the beginning of the first season, go through all kinds of crap and finally get reunited at the end of season five. Ahhh...True love! Plus the annoying Jenny is going to get knocked off at the beginning of this final season.

2. Laughter - I love to laugh and hear the sound of laughter. It lifts my spirits and research shows it's good for you!

3. Lesbian - I love being a lesbian. It's so much more of who you are than just who your having sex with. That being said I have trouble with labels of any kind. Contradictory? Hell, yes!

4. Love - I like being in love. It's distracting and intoxicating and confusing and sometimes painful but I think it's an important element in this rag tag life.

5. Light - Sunlight, moonlight, starlight, sunsets, candlelight, the view of lights from above a city etc. I've always been attracted to that twilight time of day.

6. Lessons - Not usually when I'm in the middle of a big one, but sometime afterward when the smoke has cleared.

7. Lyrics - I love intelligent lyrics. The Indigo Girls are really good at this.

8. Leisure - It's so great to just kick back and relax or do something simply for the pure joy of doing it.

9. Letting Go - I'm not so good at this but for those precious moments when I'm successful, it's very pleasant and feels so sane.

10. Long Hot Showers - see # 8 and 9

Not Anemic or Meredeth

2009-01-08T23:02:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, big news, I'm not anemic. I had been told I was low in iron when I was first pregnant so I took iron and felt much better. About 10 years later I was having spells of vertigo. The Dr. did blood tests and said I was a bit low in iron but that he didn't think this was the cause of my severe dizziness. I threw out the prescription he gave me because it made me feel so jumpy and horrible. I started taking iron again and my symptoms went away.

I'm not good at taking supplements so I always let it slide. Anyway, I was in for my pap and I asked them to check again because last time they said I was pretty anemic. I've been doing much better with taking Floradix Herbal Iron (which works much better for me than the pills) and the nurse said I'm fine now. Yeah! I've got to keep it up though cause I can feel the difference when I'm low. I'm grateful to be "normal."

And, in other news, I was told by a clerk yesterday that I look like Meredeth Baxter Birney. I ran it past a friend who said she could totally see it. I always thought Meredeth was good looking so I'll take it as a compliment.

There's teaching and then there's testing

2009-01-07T23:35:00.000-08:00

As I said in my last post, I love teaching martial arts. Tonight was a stripe test night. This is when I get to see individual students come up and show what's required to reach the next level. I had a great night tonight as many of my students have improved a lot. I can tell when someone is working hard and putting in extra practice time.

I also got a call from a parent who said her son was really excited after Monday's class. She said that Mark said "Ms. A.... said I did a great job in class and you know what? I think I did too!" I was so charmed by that. I've given him compliments before but he really did surprise me with his focus and willingness to receive the coaching I was giving him. He was trying way harder than usual. I guess the enthusiasm must have shown more in my voice or that we connected in a bigger way but his mom said she had never seen him so elated after class and that he went home and practiced for the test. This is a kid that used to practically space out during class. He's really adorable. I'm grateful that people take the time to let me know when what I do is making a difference.

I love teaching

2009-01-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks of the year I took off from teaching at my martial arts studio. I had my instructors cover the classes and with the holidays falling mid-week, they were short weeks anyway. Instead I did some behind the scenes stuff. The paperwork, mailing list, organizing kind of tasks. That's definitely not the things I like doing but I got a lot of crap done.

It's back to business as usual this week so I've been on the floor teaching the last couple of days. THIS is what I love. THIS is what I'm really good at. THIS is where it feels almost effortless and THIS is what I'd still do if won the lottery or something. I'd then hire someone to do the other stuff and, if that was the case, I have no doubt that this business would thrive. It's just that trying to do EVERYTHING is really hard and I resist it too the point that I feel guilty and discouraged.

But... on another note, I talked to someone who's a lieutenant at the Sheriff's department who said that if I got on there I'd probably be working in the jails for the first three or four years. He says it's a great job and really pretty easy. He also said most of the people working in that capacity are clearing 100 grand a year. That could help me hire someone to do those jobs at the studio that I don't like and allow me to teach when I'm off work. Of course I haven't been hired. I'm still in the background investigation portion of the process. I'm not supposed to hear anything from them till close to the end of the month then there's still a lot of hurdles but you never know. I'll just keep going and see what comes of it. I'm grateful to have some financial hope right now.

Beautiful Day

2009-01-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

It's a beautiful day here in the hundred acre wood. This particular "wood" is set a few minutes jog from the Pacific Ocean. It was all sparkly and bright and clear and looked full of adventure and wisdom. I'm grateful for that this type of day and how it lifts my spirits.

2009 horoscope

2009-01-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

Here's my career horoscope for 2009 from a link I followed from yahoo. I'd be grateful for this.

Year 2009 Career

You can barely keep up with all the new ideas coming to you this year. The challenge will be deciding which opportunities to pursue. Going with the flow will help you remain clear. As you seize opportunities with an attitude of fun and excitement, doors opening will be contingent upon how you synthesize data through symbols and techniques from different cultures, and from your dreams.

These new awakenings will help you advance tremendously in your career as you become more philosophical about life, and are spontaneous about sharing your insights. Traveling helps you understand other belief systems in the world, as well as inspires you to expand your business ventures.

As a Gemini, you're able to analyze situations and successfully work with the challenges that present themselves, and you easily detach yourself from supposed obstacles. In 2009, you're likely to move easily from one success to another.

Celebrating Ron's Life

2009-01-03T21:40:00.000-08:00

I'm having a better day today. I was feeling pretty lonely yesterday morning and took a mental health day. I laid around, ate leftover pizza, and watched several episodes of The L Word. I called a couple of friends for support. That did me a lot of good.

Today I went to a friends memorial service in Idyllwild. Ron and Sandii were a great couple. They are both such positive people and really great musicians to boot. It was always really obvious how much they loved each other. Sandii was part of the group of ladies I knew that celebrated our birthdays together and often went for hikes. When I first met Ron I thought he looked like John Denver. Ron passed away from cancer that he was first diagnosed with 30 years ago. He beat it back twice! It came back again last year after being in remission for about 20 years.

I found this you tube recording of a Palm Springs TV station story that they did on Ron and Sandii and his fight for life. It aired last May when things were still looking optimistic. It's really good.

The service was really nice. A mix of memories and music. Then everyone went to another building and groups of people played music for hours. I even went up with my old group and added my harmony. It was so nice touching base with so many people I used to see on a regular basis.

It makes me think about life... and people and friends and joys and sorrows and making the best of what time we have.

Hard, hard day/night

2009-01-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

I've had a low grade headache and felt a bit barfy on and off for the past two days. I'm still crampy and bleeding which is lasting days longer than usual. I went into a real bad emotional swamp yesterday, I mean, real bad. I haven't felt that despondent in a long time. The fallout from the... what to call it... ending? shifting? reorganizing? of my last relationship has been hard but yesterday I went to the mat with it. I was actually wailing in the car on the way home from taking my kids to meet their Dad.

I considered the fact that I may be getting sick but I think this is probably mostly hormonal. It's not that those emotions aren't there pretty often but I think that when those hormones are in high gear like they are now, everything is just bigger, sadder, angrier. It's like turning the volume up on the stereo - way up.

I ended up talking to em. She's in a hard place too right now but she was there for me and I'm grateful for that. I watched two DVDs till 2 a.m. until I couldn't stay awake then fell into a fitful sleep. If this is what menopause feels like, I'm not pleased...not pleased at all. It's not that I'm blaming my problems on it. These circumstances would be there regarldless of the rushing hormonal activity but I don't like how out of control I feel. Maybe that's the lesson - giving up control. Sigh....

Inspiring Writers

2009-01-01T17:41:00.000-08:00

Son got a book from his girlfriend. It's by Neil Gaiman titled "Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders." Son read a couple of stories and a poem to daughter and I in the car. This is some great writing. The kind of writing where you try to guess the writer's intent but then just have to figure that each reader/listener will interpret it for themselves. Each of the three offerings were so different.

I believe that most people would be intrigued by a chapter with the title "Pages from a Journal Found in a Shoebox Left in a Greyhound Bus Somewhere Between Tulsa, Oklahoma and Louisville, Kentucky."

It was a very interesting piece. I'm grateful to have heard Son read it to us today.

Flash

2008-12-31T09:51:00.000-08:00

I woke up with a hot flash early this morning. I thought maybe I had experienced one or two before in the past year, but I wasn't sure; it wasn't so obvious. This woke me from a sound sleep. I had to peel back the covers. I was actually sweating. It didn't last long and I pulled the covers back up and went back to sleep. Menopause. Wow, isn't that what old women go through? Yeah, em, I can hear your response.

I know this is supposed to affect one emotionally. It's all pretty confusing whether it's "the change" or not. I'm thinking about balance a lot lately. I can look at the same situation at different times with different perspectives and feel glad, or mad, or sad (I'm not trying to sound like Dr. Suess here with all this rhyming) or enthusiastic or discouraged or a hundred other things, so which one it the truth? Is there such a thing as truth or, what may be termed, a healthy perspective? Should I disregard some feelings for others? If I do this am I manipulating my emotions or is this what everyone does to get by in this life and not get swamped with uncomfortable thoughts? I often feel the need to distract myself when I get all pushed around in these whirlwind musings. Avoidance? Probably.

I'm grateful for the emotions, the flashes of insight, fleeting though they are, and knowing that I have a few coping mechanisms when needed.

2008 has been a year of change and, as they say - the only real constant is change. I'm going to shut up now except to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

Shit, I need a new tranny but I saved a life!

2008-12-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

My car has been making this fluttering noise that's gotten more and more noticeable. I take it to a local garage and they tell me that I need the transmission replaced. What!? I buy a reliable Honda with a stick because you're supposed to avoid this type of thing for a long time. So I take it somewhere else for a second opinion because they say the same thing about that's not usual with Honda's. But no, they make the same diagnosis.

I'm going to take it back to the first shop because he at least called me back when he said he would. The other place would say they'd call me back in a hour then I'd wait 2 1/2 and call them back myself. They'd say they wanted to check it another way and would get right back to me but, no, they still didn't. I just went and picked up the car and told them to call me when they had a price cause all they could say was "expensive."

So I guess this day was an example of the yin/yang principle. Yesterday was so productive and today, even the non-car stuff, was a bit like spinning my wheels - pun intended. But I stayed calm and chalked it up to "Dude, that's just the way life works sometimes." I'll be grateful today for patience.

I'm having fun playing the Trauma Center DS game I got for Christmas. Last night I successfully completed my third operation. I removed three tumors from my patients pancreas. It was touch and go there for awhile!

Good, Busy Day

2008-12-29T20:36:00.000-08:00

I'm glad to have days like today where I'm really busy, get a bunch of crap done, and have a good attitude about it. I kept thinking about the saying "Life isn't a fire drill" and also that if you consciously relax instead of getting tense when you have a lot to do that you'll actually accomplish more. Well, it worked today anyway.

Talking about Roxrocks etc

2008-12-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

em, eduardo and I went to see "Frost/Nixon" this afternoon. I really liked the movie. It was better than I expected. It elicited a very engaging conversation afterward that was as enjoyable as the movie. But I digress...

em and I were in line to get popcorn and I was telling her how nice it was today and how grateful I was to be able to open up my sliding glass door and let in some fresh air. em said she thought Rox would appreciate being able to do THAT right about now. We started talking about how cold it is in Rox's neck of the woods. I said that I had read -30 degrees Celsius and told em that that would be 2 degrees Fahrenheit since 32 F is freezing and 0 C is the freezing point in that system. She said no, that it would be even colder than -30 on the F scale. We were greatly amusing ourselves going back and forth for a bit then I asked the guy behind us if he wanted to weigh in on the subject. He'd been listening and he gave his opinion which seemed to support em's position. Then I looked at the woman ahead of us who was intently listening. I think she said that neither of our theories made sense. It was fun having this discussion with two friendly strangers. em tried to get a conversion on her iPhone but it come out that -30 c =32 F. We all knew that wasn't right. Then em said that she also knew that 100 C is water's boiling point which happens at 212 F. So then I said, "oh the whole scale is different," like metric and inches.

The guy behind the counter asked us how we were. em said something like "confused" and gave a quick explanation of the debate. He laughed and said he'd take a stab at -30 C being about 14 F. We told him he was probably closest. We found our seats with eduardo and told him about our dilemma. He kind of thought more along my lines. The trailers started and he was using his Blackberry to get info. He had converted some numbers in a way that made more sense but I still didn't see what -30 C would be.

Anyway, I'll probably look this up on-line. Maybe I should do that now.... Ta daa! -30C = -22F

Here's the mathematical conversion:

Converting Celsius to Fahrenheit:

1) Take your number in Celsius and multiply by 9.

2) Divide the result of step 1 by 5.

3) Add 32 to the result of step 2.

Converting Fahrenheit to Celsius:

1) Take your number in Fahrenheit and subtract 32

2) Multiply the result of step 1 by 5.

3) Divide the result of step 2 by 9.

Well I did get the whole adding 32 thing. But man, that is just butt cold, Rox. Is it hard to breathe when it's that freaking cold? It did make for a fun and lively discussion. At least some of the people standing in the long line at the concession stand were a bit less bored I'm thinking.

Trying to be comfortable not knowing

2008-12-27T22:13:00.000-08:00

There's this book called "Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff" by Richard Carlson. I had heard about this book for years but I often tend to look the other way if something is popular in mainstream society. If Oprah recommends it, I usually won't look into it. Seems kind of silly and in my own way elitist but oh well.

I happened to see this book in the deeply discounted section at a bookstore. I thought "Oh THAT book." I picked it up and randomly read one of the very small 2-3 page chapters. "Hey now, that kind of makes sense" then after looking at another "Wow, I really needed to hear that!" So I bought the book and read it and got a lot out of it. Now I pick it up every once in a while and randomly read something or scan the chapters looking for something that might pertain to my life.

There is a chapter I read today titled "Get comfortable not knowing." I think I related in an earlier post the parable-like tale about the man who seems to be having all these major problems that led to what most would call great circumstances which, it seemed, led to another mishap and so forth and so on. The point being that we sometimes wring our hands when things are difficult but we never know where our lives will lead. The author's suggestion is that we get comfortable not knowing how things will turn out. Way easier said than done, in my humble opinion. But it does makes sense.

What will happen to my studio in this economy? - I don't know but I'm working hard right now. Will the Sheriff's Deputy job be available and be the right thing for me? - Possibly. What does love have in store for me in the next year? - Got me, but I think there's hope. Will Obama be a good president? - Well, at least here I think we have a pretty good shot.

It's nice to be reminded about having too many expectations and just relax a bit. Like this magnet my son has on the fridge says: "You worry, you die. You don't worry you die. So why worry?

Walking on the earth with cool people

2008-12-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful for places like this:

and this:

and people like this:

Ba Humbug?

2008-12-25T10:39:00.000-08:00

I'm so grateful that Christmas is here because that means it's almost over. I keep it pretty laid back because I hate the obligatory nature of gift giving during this time. It's not that I don't like giving gifts. I love surprising someone with an invite to do something fun or giving something out of the blue just because I happened to be thinking about them or discovered something that they might enjoy. I really don't mind buying Solstice/Christmas gifts for the kids in my life. I remember getting excited as a kid about this time of year. My Mom would want a Christmas list so I poured over the Sears catalogue to get ideas.

I've gotten much better at receiving gifts from people who genuinely love giving gifts to almost everyone they know and not feeling guilty that I did not have something for them in return. I just figure I don't give gifts in order to get gifts so I assume they feel the same way.

Also there are all these expectations about family gatherings and the day is built up to some kind of all-or-nothing proposition. I've disappointed my birth family once again. I'm apparently selfish for not wanting to hassle the long drive to be with people who judged the hell out of decisions I've made for my life.

Besides that, I'm not a Christian so the joy of baby Jesus being born in the spring (oh I'm sorry, I mean - inaccurately - on this holiest of holy days) escapes me. Here is a funny song by Dar Williams called "The Christians and the Pagans" that you might find amusing.

I wish everyone a calm, peaceful Christmas day. Like Al-anon people will say, "It's only Thursday." Happy Thursday!

Kagelmaster 2000

2008-12-24T12:13:00.000-08:00

OK. You know who you are. I've talked to, and read, enough women to know that there are A LOT of us out there who suffer from stress incontinence. It's so annoying.

I'm a pretty physical person. When I'm out running, playing tennis, teaching martial arts or doing any jarring-type movement I know that I have to wear a menstrual pad to catch the leaking urine. I hate that out-of-control feeling, even when I'm protected. I've taken to rolling up toilet paper into a joint sized bundle and propping it between my labia. This works well for two reasons - 1. I don't have to feel the evacuation as much and 2. It provides an extra layer of absorption. I've learned to cope but what really bothers me is the lack of spontaneity. It's not like I wear a pad all the time so occasionally I find myself holding back. Say I'm at Disneyland with the kids and suddenly there's that fun urge to dash to get in line for a ride. I'm good for 5 or 6 running steps then have to walk again. I've been at em's house when her kids were playing Dance, Dance, Revolution and they asked me to play. I would have but didn't have a pad on so declined. I love to run and move. It makes me sad to have to restrict myself or plan for every sudden joyous movement.

So after years of suffering I have purchased and begun using the (drum roll) KAGELMASTER 2000 (insert echo effect) which is basically an adjustable, spring loaded, vaginally inserted exercise device. When used daily for 3-6 months it's supposed to improve and/or cure stress incontinence by strengthening the muscles of the pelvic floor. I've been using it for the last 10 days or so and can feel those muscles starting to move more powerfully - better squeezing action so I'll have to follow up with a results review in a few months. If it works I'll be telling everyone.

One thing that makes doing the exercises more....um ...shall we say pleasant is the secret extra device that they send free with each order. It's designed to make sure you're using the right muscles. Some of you have probably guessed by now. It's a vibrator. They instruct you to touch the clitoris and hold it there for 3 to 4 seconds with the KM inside. Yep, that really helps. You do 3 sets of 30. Let's just say that I'm probably being way more consistent than I would have without that particular extra.

I'm glad to have some hope that this years-long problem will be resolved. Once I've achieved the results I'm looking for they say I must follow a maintenance plan to maintain my strength - something like 2-4 times per week on average. I'll keep all you gals posted.

Radioactive Robe & R2D2

2008-12-23T09:05:00.000-08:00

It's been pretty cold in my apartment, especially at night. We have a wall heater but I don't like to use it because there's always this funky smell. When we moved in last February, the gas company came by and checked it out and said everything was working fine. I think it just heats up the dust or something. Anyway when it started getting cold this year I decided not to use the wall heater and instead rely on R2D2 and my radioactive robe,

R2D2 is the name we gave to this portable heating, cooling, air purifying and ionizing unit that I bought at a Chinese herb store. It works great and there's no annoying smell. It really does look a bit like R2D2 from the Star Wars movies. I'm using it sparingly because I'm not sure what the electricity cost will be but I also have this amazingly warm robe. The kids got it for me last Winter Solstice. The most endearing thing about the robe is the color. It's bright neon green. I practically glow when put it on. I would never have picked out the color myself but what fun I have every time I put it on - and I stay toasty warm. Seriously, it's the warmest robe I've ever had. If it's only a bit cool I can't wear it because I start sweating in about a minute.

I'm grateful for warmth when it's cold. I'm grateful for gifts given from the heart that are unexpectedly funky and help my body, my soul and my sense of humor feel warm.

Busting myself

2008-12-22T17:52:00.000-08:00

I had a staff meeting at my studio this evening. We talked about what's working and what's not working. I laid out my plans and goals for the new year and gave suggestions on how we can work together to help achieve these goals.

I also admitted that one of my character defects is that I make great plans and even say I'll have something done by a particular time, then something comes up or I get distracted and it falls by the wayside. Something as simple as updating my mailing list and printing out the labels or sending out a monthly email. It's not like I think I'm fooling anyone or that they don't notice but I've asked my staff to mention it to me if I haven't followed through with something - even if they think it might annoy me. I told them that it would annoy me but that I'd be mad at myself and not them and that they'd be doing me a big favor.

I'm grateful to be able to admit stuff like that now. My ego used to get in the way all the time and I would make excuses. em has been a big help in this regard. I've learned by her example. She busts herself a lot, even for some stuff that I don't think she should claim responsibility for.

I just have to remember - working through these defects happens in three stages: Awareness, Acceptance & Action. I think I'm on the Action part here. I also need to remind myself it's all about progress, not perfection.

Solstice

2008-12-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

My kids and I have continued with a tradition that we started a few years ago. We celebrate the Solstice. This morning at 4:04 am PST we entered the winter season. My daughter asked last night if we could get up and watch the sun rise. She wanted to welcome in the winter that way. Son wasn't interested in this part of our celebration. There was more that we planned to do later in the day that he was more excited to participate in.

We set the alarm and got up. She and I stood on the front walkway of our third floor apartment and watched the light from the rising sun barely filter through a large thick tree that is down the block. We thought to wait until the sun rose above the tree but the plan was to greet the sun and go back to bed and it looked like it might take a while to clear the tree.

It was so beautiful outside. We are generally late sleepers but that time of the day holds magic! We didn't have any particular ceremony planned but then daughter starts quietly signing The Cherokee Morning Song. It's a really beautiful song sung in the native language. I joined in right away and we sang the traditional four rounds. It was perfect! My heart swelled with Gratitude for the coming day and my love for my daughter.

Happy Solstice Everyone!

Priceless Letter

2008-12-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

A 11 year old student of mine brought me and all my staff at the studio some home made cookies and fudge. I'm all about the sweets these days but the best part for me was the note he sent with it.

Dear Miss.....

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I'm always having a good time in class, in fact, the studio has to be one of my favorite places to go in the world.

Your friend and student,

Jeff W. Carson (slight name change here)

That one's a keeper and yet another example of why I really want to turn things around and make this business profitable enough to support me. I don't need to be rich or anything but I'd like it to be a stable career that I can plan ahead for.

It's so great to have people who will let you know how they feel; how what you do makes a difference. It gives me hope and motivation. Thanks Jeff!

The art of conversation

2008-12-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

It's interesting, There are all sorts of ways these days to entertain ourselves; movies, TV, the internet, video games, etc. But one thing I really love is good conversation. It feels good just to sit down or take a walk with someone and just let that easy give and take happen. It's like a journey really, you never know where you may end up.

Just like everything else, some people are masters at it. em is definitely one of those people. She can relate the most seemingly everyday occurrence and have me in stitches. She's articulate, well read, and reveals her tough times with the most amazing honesty. She's a good listener too whether it's hard emotional stuff, something amusing or when you just need to blow off some steam. We don't talk as much as we used to. I miss that a lot but that's just where we're at right now.

Books that make me think

2008-12-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading a short book by Dan Millman. He wrote the book "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" which was made into a movie a few years back. I read that book ages ago and enjoyed the movie.

The book is called "The Laws of Spirit." It's easy reading. You could finish the entire book in an hour or two but I would read a one or two chapters and the think about it for a while. He says right off the bat that it's fiction and asks the question "What would you ask your higher self if you met him/her high on a mountain top one day?" I think that this could be a good exercise all on it's own.

He creates the character of a sage, a mysterious woman who he meets on a morning hike and ends up being her student for the weekend. I know, not very original, but the story weaves nicely and there was stuff in there that I felt was pretty valuable.

Each chapter is titled "The Law of... Balance, Choices, Process, Presence, Compassion, Faith, Expectation, Integrity, Action, Cycles, Surrender and Unity. Not all of these chapters are exactly what you might expect. There was an interesting take on each of these laws and how to understand and apply them.

Sometimes I appreciate a simple writing style, especially when pondering the bigger questions of life. I enjoy more sophisticated stories and wording also so each type of work has it's own merit. I enjoyed this book and will probably re-read it from time to time. So I'm Grateful to have stumbled across and read this one.

Rain and Belts

2008-12-17T23:43:00.000-08:00

As I'm going along with this Gratitude thing I'm realizing that it's getting harder to pick out one thing. I guess by making the effort to notice, it's opening up my awareness. I can think of many things just today. Not a bad way to look at life I'm supposing. I have to list these two.

It gloriously rained all day today. I love the rain - the sound, the smell, the way light reflects all around, the gray moodiness, you know, all that stuff. I ran lots of errands and people were driving slower and were being pretty darn respectful of the elements and each other.

It was also a Belt Test night. It's so great to see my students out there, really giving their all, seeing their improvement and hearing the spectators cheering them on. Really, I have the best job in the world. I just need to make it more profitable. Those non-financial benefits though are beyond awesome!

Roller coasters

2008-12-16T23:37:00.000-08:00

A big bunch of us went to Disneyland today to help celebrate a friend's birthday. It was a lot of fun. I got to go on my favorite roller coaster with some kids who hadn't been on it yet. I sat next to em and eduardo's son. "Boy," as em affectionately refers to him on her blog, is such and interesting kid. He and I have what I think of as a special bond. We just get a kick out of each other.

He was really excited. He's recently discovered a love for "big" coasters. I told him the best place was in the back so he says "Yeah, I want sit next to you!" Once we were strapped in and started to leave the station he says, "Maybe I shouldn't be doing this." I tell him that I think he's going to love it.

This coaster takes off FAST. As soon as we've launched he's yelling things like "I LOVE this" and "This is AWESOME" and screaming at the top of his lungs. I loved being able to experience this with him.

The ride is pretty long then stops very quickly at the end but smoother than you can imagine. He immediately says,"Can we do it again?" That's Boy for you right there. And yes, we did ride it again but this time I got to sit next to a much more reserved eight year old who amused me as well.

I'm Grateful for roller coasters (actually all thrill rides) and to be able to share this with enthusiastic and charming people like Boy.

Afromations

2008-12-15T08:13:00.000-08:00

I was watching a DVD called The Big Gay Sketch Show. Most of it was pretty lame but there were a few funny skits.

Occasionally this segment would cut in with this polyester clad disco-type guy with a huge afro. He gives these small motivational talks called Afromations. That is funny in and of itself but one, in particular, was great. He says seriously, "Sometimes, the reason for everything happening is so that everything happens for a reason, whether or not that happens to be reasonable." That one made me laugh. I'm Grateful for laughter.

Joy

2008-12-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

A while back I posted a bit about my friend Joy. She passed away some weeks ago from cancer. She was a really amazing, giving person who I don't think realized what a gift she was to her friends.

Today we had a celebration of her life up in the mountain town of Idyllwild which is where I met her. It was so nice. A group of us met in a small space about the size of a living room. No fancy church, no podiums, no microphones. Basically people just shared memories of their time with Joy. Hearing other people's stories helped reinforce my loving feelings about her. She touched so many lives in a positive way!

She loved speculating about spiritual concepts. She was very well read and I would sometimes get chills when we talked - that kind of chill you get when you feel that you're experiencing truth.

One person told a story that when she last talked to her, she asked Joy to send some kind of sign from the "other side" confirming that we go on after this particular earthly experience. Thanksgiving weekend this woman was home alone when the electricity went out. She said that she is sort of reclusive and just lit some candles. A neighbor came by and asked if she wanted to come over as they had some guests there and they were socializing by candlelight. Her first thought was to decline but then she decided to go. She enjoyed herself and thought that Joy would have liked this gathering. When she came home she found one of her books with the cover open so that it could stand upright on her nightstand. She hadn't left it there and she never left books standing up like that. It was the Dali Lama's book about Happiness, one that Joy had recommended that she read. She figured that this was Joy's sign from beyond.

I'm Grateful to have known Joy. Her given name was Joyce but at some point she changed it. It suits her well. The thing she kept telling people toward the end of her life is that it doesn't matter how long you live, it matters how you live your life. She's not the first person to have said it but apparently she got this point through to many people. She was an amazing example of this!

Great day

2008-12-13T23:54:00.000-08:00

I'm Grateful to have had a really great day!

Being there

2008-12-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm Grateful to be able to be supportive for people. I get a lot of support myself when I'm going through hard times so it feels good to be there for my friends. A good friend of mine is going through what looks like her first breakup with her first girlfriend she's ever had. When you come out late in life you find yourself feeling feelings you've never felt before even if you've dated or have been married to men. Anyway, it's been a rough few days for her.

We're going to our coming out support group and she, em and I going for a hike in the morning. I've been looking forward to the hike and even though the weather may not optimal, I think we're still on!